she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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