saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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