Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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