So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
