Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
