I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize