I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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