I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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