eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I want a musical about memes.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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