my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize