Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
did i walk over a car last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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