i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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