woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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