I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
