My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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