I can tuck mytits in my pants
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
