she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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