my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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