highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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