I met the friendliest cop last night
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
