I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
