last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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