its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
