So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
