If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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