I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
