i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
