My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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