His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
