i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
