I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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