If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
