so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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