I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
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