You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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