Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I love you. Go after that dick
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
