How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
