hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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