I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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