I'm really into asian looking animals
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize