Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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