Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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