well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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