Can i not drive my cunt home
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
