I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
