there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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