You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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