Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
