who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
