I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
