K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dick very happy bro
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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