I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I smell stomach acid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
