At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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