I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
