If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
