i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
