Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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