I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
